The Parkinson's Fun House

When I was a teenager, I used to love to go to the Central Florida Fair. I always enjoyed going through the Fun House. The slanted and uneven floors, dead ends and optical illusions were enjoyable and the distorted mirrors were always good for a few laughs.  

These days though, it seems like I am living in a Parkinson's Fun House 24-hours a day... and I am having trouble finding humor in this situation. Let me explain:

Imagine your feet are roped together but not tightly, that you have powerful magnets attached to the heel and ball of each foot and there's a button that makes you walk up on your tiptoes, some times just one foot, some times both feet. You have NO CONTROL over the length of the rope, when the magnets might be activated or the tiptoe buttons will be pushed. 

So here's what happened last night: 

I wake up at 230 in the morning because I need to go pee. I sit on the edge of the bed and slowly slide off because I don't know what 'feet' I'm going to get. As I grab the top of the heavy dresser next to the bed, I slowly stand up. 

I try to take my first step and find out that the rope between my feet has been shortened to mere inches and the right toes button has been pushed. I grab the edge of the bed and am taking tiny steps with my right foot up on my toes. I get to the end of the bed and need to turn left. 

I am able to do that but now both feet are up on my toes and I am still taking tiny steps. I just need to get across the open area between the bed and bathroom doorway. A distance of about 36 inches. 

That's when my whole body pitches forward as if the floor is suddenly slanted downward and luckily I manage to get there without falling. 

As I try to go through the bathroom doorway, both feet are stuck to the floor as if the magnets have been activated. I get my left foot loose and flat on the floor. Then I force my right foot to release. I almost fall, but catch myself by grabbing the sink. 

After I am done in the bathroom, I have similar trouble getting through the doorway, however once through, I can take the three normal length steps back to the end of the bed with both feet flat on the floor. As I try to go around to my side of the bed, the tiny steps start again and I stumble into bed. It takes me awhile to get back to sleep.

Now it's 530 in the morning, daylight has lightened the room and I have to go pee again. You'd think it would make it easier with the room being bright and some days it is but today isn't one of them. I sit on the edge and slide off grabbing the dresser. As I turn to walk to the bathroom, I catch my reflection in the mirrored closet doors and I freeze. I can't get either foot to move so I sit back down.

I take a few deep breaths and try again. This time I don't look at my reflection but then I realize that Wonderful Husband isn't in the bed. So now I have to figure out which bathroom he's in and go to the other one. 

I manage to walk to the hallway bathroom and both feet cooperate. On the way back to bed, my left foot goes up on my toes and I kinda bump into the walls on both sides of the hallway. I'm so used to my right foot being up on my toes that I don't even notice it half the time, unless the rope between my feet is too short. 

Instead of going back to sleep, I just laid there thinking about how I can explain this phenomenon to my readers. 

Then it was time to get up for the day. My body is quite relaxed while I am sleeping but if I stay in bed after waking, I stiffen and it becomes painful to bend and move due to arthritis in my back and hips. 

I slide off the bed and wonder if my feet will work, they do, kind of. I'm walking on both tiptoes but the rope length is allowing me normal stride length. Thankfully I made it through the night shift without falling, crashing into anything or getting hurt. 

I toddle off to brush my teeth, get my shower and get ready for the day shift in the Parkinson's Fun House, which I will write about another day.